Jake

 Jake and I started a relationship that was entirely based on music. We were both artists that collected records and record shopping was life. In the record store he would always start at rock and I'd always start in the world section and we'd meet in the middle. At the time he worked at the Bull Moose in Portland and I worked at the Bull Moose in Scarborough. We would email back and forth in their little inter-store e-mail system. Our first official date was at a Melvin Sparks show at The Big Easy. I would hang out at his house while he played drums and our friend Noshun played the trumpet. I would sit and listen and draw. I was always drawing back then. 

We all went to NYC one winter and saw the great Ennio Morricone at Radio City Music Hall. It was the first time he had conducted an orchestra in the United States and it was one of the coolest things I've ever done. 

We were always listening to records. Together we made a birthing tape for the hospital so no one would have to flip a record when we were there lol

The day I gave birth to Tristan a Tom Ze record came in the mail. He went home and picked it up and brought it to the hospital because I was equally excited about it. He had a portable turntable that we listened to it on because I was in the hospital for a week, and we couldn't wait to hear it.

It's a crushing blow to hear everyone talk about selling his record collection now. That's such an education for his kids and now that he's not around to continue the passion it's more important than ever to keep his collection in tact. Truly breaks my heart to think we have to sell his things. It feels so wrong and it hurts my heart so much. We have to keep the vibe alive because there's no one else like Jake. A true 1 of 1. 

Grief and Parenting Beyond the Veil

One minute you're dying your teenager's hair and the next your whole entire life changes. 

In September, my co-parent/my kid's father, suddenly died in a house fire. It's October now and my brain is still in a fog. Making plans seems impossible, thinking of time and dates feels unnatural, and attending the fun events I had bought tickets to previously feels both trite and completely necessary. Life is going on all around me at full speed and I am stuck in a school zone, crawling slowly through each day.

But I'm a mom, and more importantly my kid has lost their father, and I must do everything in my power to be there for them in every way I can. In many ways, Tristan (said teenager), is more grounded than most about the whole situation, but it's new. Next month they'll miss their dad more than ever, and then the month after that will be Christmas and it will hurt again, then in March it will be their birthday and they'll hurt again and again. So the path through grief and heartache isn't a set length of time. It's a pain that will live in our bodies for the rest of our lives. 

But it doesn't define us.

Jake was the best dad in the world. He was such a unique spirit and an effortless partner in parenting. We both live life with anticapitalist beliefs and a deep love of the things that matter most in life: love, music, dancing, and friends/family. We are both so proud of Tristan and who they've become and I know Jake is all around us showing us love and support.

How do I know?

The synchs of course lol. 

The day after we all got the news, Tristan and I drove to Portland to hang at Jake's house with our friends and family. (Jake has another child--Ilios--and baby mama--Shannon.) Shannon had left to go pick up Ilios at college in Pennsylvania, but the rest of us gathered. Jake's mom flew in from Florida and we all just stood out front of the house in the yard hugging, crying, and waiting for him to drive up. We kept saying, maybe it wasn't him. Maybe he wandered off to the beach and he'll drive up any minute. He had had tickets to see Swamp Dogg at Space Gallery the night previous that he missed, so we knew deep down the truth was something we didn't want to accept because he wouldn't have missed a show for the world. But still, our hearts and our minds didn't want to accept the truth. One by one we went inside the house with tears streaming down our faces. All of his music gear, record player, keyboards, and monitors, were still on, breaking our hearts once more as we realized he had expected to come home that fateful two nights ago. Turning it all off made it feel so permanent, so Tristan and I left that up to someone else. We still wanted to believe he'd drive up any minute now. Surely he'd just drive up any minute now. After hours of sharing stories, hugs, and utter disbelief we all went back to our homes until tomorrow when we would reconvene. 

On Tristan and I's ride home, on the backroads of Auburn a giant stork flew in front of our car. Jake is 6'4 and it felt like him in bird form. This bird was SO huge and unmissable for the 2 of us. The next day that very stork was flying around my job. 

I feel him all of the time and there have been so many reminders that he's always with us. Forever it will be my mission to keep his vibe alive. The dead are alive because we are. 

I'll Mourn You On the Weekend

First I lost Jake, my parenting partner, my child's father, and one of my best friends. A few weeks later, Tyler, one of my closest high school friends passes from an illness. 

I'm left here with

8 hours of bereavement pay

The tickets I bought coming to claim me

School's in session

When are you coming back to work?

When can you read my cards?

What are you bringing for Thanksgiving?

Here's my Christmas list

Work

Work

Work

Did you see that movie yet?

Did you watch that show?

Living in the depths of my past decisions

my feelings, 

in the sunken place is where I reside

Oxygen is scarce here

The darkness is easy on my mind, the quiet let's me breathe

The pressure above water weighs more on my heart than the water itself

Sink

I stretch my body and my mouth makes it above the surface

You can hear my words and I can answer your questions, but I remain below

Nothing matters in the sunken place

My fingers aren't even wrinkled up yet

Interview with a Ghostpire: Thelonious Monk

Today on Interview with a Ghostpire, I’m talking to Thelonious Monk about synchronicities. 

Thelonious, I’m dying to know, do you think we’re given regular clues to unfold different mysteries in our lives? 

“Where’s jazz going? I don’t know. Maybe it’s going to hell. You can’t make anything go anywhere. It just happens.”

Do you think it happens on purpose or purely coincidental? 

“Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.”

Fair, but writing is a form of expression, and if the universe is expressing itself to us via seemingly random clues, than I think we’re on the right track. 

“Don't play everything (or every time); let some things go by… What you don't play can be more important than what you do.”

Interesting. So, watching things happen is equally as important as participation? 

“You've got to dig it to dig it, you dig?”

I do, actually. It’s funny, it’s almost like those grade school word problems with the dudes carrying 50 watermelons around were training us for more then just math. 

“Monk's reasons for dancing during a performance: "I get tired sitting down at the piano! That way I can dig the rhythm better.”

Yes. What’s wacky to some is an energetic alignment for you to fully embrace yourself. 

“The piano ain't got no wrong notes.”

I’m gonna hold that as a metaphor in my heart. It’s been great chatting with you today. Do you have any last words for my readers? Should they watch Straight No Chaser? 

“I’m famous. Ain’t that a bitch?”

Interview with a Ghostpire: Salvador Dali

Salvador Dali joins me on Interview with a Ghostpire to discuss the Tik Tok multiverse. 

Salvador, I’m dying to know, do you think these interconnected videos are creating a rift in space? 

“Progressive art can assist people to learn not only about the objective forces at work in the society in which they live, but also about the intensely social character of their interior lives. Ultimately, it can propel people toward social emancipation.”

Interesting, so, by connection we’re freeing our inner person because this particular connection is a celebration of our person?

“Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.”

So, for you, Tik Tok isn’t about an energetic chasm in the 4th dimension, it’s about liberating the personal energy in the 3rd?

“What is a television apparatus to man, who has only to shut his eyes to see the most inaccessible regions of the seen and the never seen, who has only to imagine in order to pierce through walls and cause all the planetary Baghdads of his dreams to rise from the dust.”

Yes! Our minds are the most interesting subject of all, aren’t they? 

“The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.”

Haha, it’s been a trip talking with you today. 

“I don't do drugs. I am drugs.”

Haha, oh right right. Any last remarks for the readers? 

“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.”

Interview with a Ghostpire: Alice Coltrane

Today on Interview with a Ghostpire, I’m talking to Alice Coltrane about string theory.  

Alice, I’m just dying to know, do you think we can use string theory on a massive scale to describe alternate dimensions

and realities? 

“When looking through the spiritual eye, or the third eye encased within the human mind, one can see vividly beyond the ken of human eyesight, beyond the material atom, and into the future, thereby transcending the limitations of time and space.” 

You know, I agree. I don’t think we need physics to find those dimensions and realities at all. We just need our minds. 

“Look at what trance means. It means to transcend... it means to become transcendental! So if we get a singular transcendental path of light, that could lead to such great dimensions of consciousness, of revelation, of spirituality, of spiritual power.”

So, what good is spiritual power if you have to wake up in the material world? 

“You're creating it comes from the heart, the spirit, the soul. You're not manufacturing somebody else's plan, somebody else's blueprint, somebody else's idea that's not yours. So when you're creating, that's the beauty side of art, you know? It comes from within you.”

It’s weird to combine spirit and a human experience to me, but art definitely helps. Do you have any pointers on reaching alternate planes of existence?

“The mind is a great gift, but it has to be quieted down in order to feel, hear and see the presence of God.”

Yes, grounding and meditating change everything. 

“Just as it is fire's nature to burn, it is meditation's nature to heal, to bring peace and uplift you beyond your worldly environment and transport you to a higher plane.”

Alice, it’s truly been a pleasure. You inspire me beyond words, my daughter was named after you, and thank you for being with me today. Any last remarks for my readers?

“Women have been held back and limited throughout the centuries. Creation could not have been rendered, not even considered, let alone be brought into manifestation without woman. She is principal, a powerful energy. She is first.”

Interview with a Ghostpire: Alice Bailey

It’s Moonday at Interview with a Ghostpire, and I’ll be talking to Alice Bailey about Flat Earth. 

So Alice, I’m dying to know, have you been paying attention to Flat Earth theories?

“We must resign ourselves to the fact that the only way in which we can find the clue to the mystery of the rays, systems, and hierarchies, lies in the study of the law of correspondences or analogy. It is the one thread by which we can find our way through the labyrinth, and the one ray of light that shines through the darkness of the surrounding ignorance.”

Haha, Our personal truth/community is important to me as well. Do you think chasing misinformation can be a path that leads towards someone’s destiny? 

“Much must remain esoteric and veiled. The risks of too much knowledge are far greater than the menace of too little. With knowledge comes responsibility and power,—two things for which the race is not yet ready. Therefore, all we can do is to study and correlate with what wisdom and discretion may be ours, using the knowledge that may come for the good of those we seek to help, and recognising that in the wise use of knowledge comes increased capacity to receive the hidden wisdom.”

It does seem to be a comforting family for the people involved. So, maybe they’ve truly uncovered some meaning of love. 

“THE LORD BUDDHA HAS SAID that we must not believe in a thing said merely because it is said; nor traditions because they have been handed down from antiquity; nor rumors, as such; nor writings by sages, because sages wrote them: nor fancies that we may suspect to have been inspired in us by a Deva (that is, in presumed spiritual inspiration); nor from inferences drawn from some haphazard assumption we may have made; nor because of what seems an analogical necessity; nor on the mere authority of our teachers or masters. But we are to believe when the writing, doctrine, or saying is corroborated by our own reason and consciousness. "For this," says he in concluding, "I taught you not to believe merely because you have heard, but when you believed of your consciousness, then to act accordingly and abundantly.”

Have you ever encountered a plane you thought was flat or lacked depth?

“The entire universe is a great theatre of mirrors.” 

Alice! Reflections and projections is our new band name. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you today. Do you have any last remarks for the readers? 

“In these days of the shattering of the old form and the building of the new, adaptability is needed. We must avert the danger of crystallisation through pliability and expansion. The "old order changeth," but primarily it is a change of dimension and of aspect, and not of material or of foundation.”