Jake

 Jake and I started a relationship that was entirely based on music. We were both artists that collected records and record shopping was life. In the record store he would always start at rock and I'd always start in the world section and we'd meet in the middle. At the time he worked at the Bull Moose in Portland and I worked at the Bull Moose in Scarborough. We would email back and forth in their little inter-store e-mail system. Our first official date was at a Melvin Sparks show at The Big Easy. I would hang out at his house while he played drums and our friend Noshun played the trumpet. I would sit and listen and draw. I was always drawing back then. 

We all went to NYC one winter and saw the great Ennio Morricone at Radio City Music Hall. It was the first time he had conducted an orchestra in the United States and it was one of the coolest things I've ever done. 

We were always listening to records. Together we made a birthing tape for the hospital so no one would have to flip a record when we were there lol

The day I gave birth to Tristan a Tom Ze record came in the mail. He went home and picked it up and brought it to the hospital because I was equally excited about it. He had a portable turntable that we listened to it on because I was in the hospital for a week, and we couldn't wait to hear it.

It's a crushing blow to hear everyone talk about selling his record collection now. That's such an education for his kids and now that he's not around to continue the passion it's more important than ever to keep his collection in tact. Truly breaks my heart to think we have to sell his things. It feels so wrong and it hurts my heart so much. We have to keep the vibe alive because there's no one else like Jake. A true 1 of 1. 

Grief and Parenting Beyond the Veil

One minute you're dying your teenager's hair and the next your whole entire life changes. 

In September, my co-parent/my kid's father, suddenly died in a house fire. It's October now and my brain is still in a fog. Making plans seems impossible, thinking of time and dates feels unnatural, and attending the fun events I had bought tickets to previously feels both trite and completely necessary. Life is going on all around me at full speed and I am stuck in a school zone, crawling slowly through each day.

But I'm a mom, and more importantly my kid has lost their father, and I must do everything in my power to be there for them in every way I can. In many ways, Tristan (said teenager), is more grounded than most about the whole situation, but it's new. Next month they'll miss their dad more than ever, and then the month after that will be Christmas and it will hurt again, then in March it will be their birthday and they'll hurt again and again. So the path through grief and heartache isn't a set length of time. It's a pain that will live in our bodies for the rest of our lives. 

But it doesn't define us.

Jake was the best dad in the world. He was such a unique spirit and an effortless partner in parenting. We both live life with anticapitalist beliefs and a deep love of the things that matter most in life: love, music, dancing, and friends/family. We are both so proud of Tristan and who they've become and I know Jake is all around us showing us love and support.

How do I know?

The synchs of course lol. 

The day after we all got the news, Tristan and I drove to Portland to hang at Jake's house with our friends and family. (Jake has another child--Ilios--and baby mama--Shannon.) Shannon had left to go pick up Ilios at college in Pennsylvania, but the rest of us gathered. Jake's mom flew in from Florida and we all just stood out front of the house in the yard hugging, crying, and waiting for him to drive up. We kept saying, maybe it wasn't him. Maybe he wandered off to the beach and he'll drive up any minute. He had had tickets to see Swamp Dogg at Space Gallery the night previous that he missed, so we knew deep down the truth was something we didn't want to accept because he wouldn't have missed a show for the world. But still, our hearts and our minds didn't want to accept the truth. One by one we went inside the house with tears streaming down our faces. All of his music gear, record player, keyboards, and monitors, were still on, breaking our hearts once more as we realized he had expected to come home that fateful two nights ago. Turning it all off made it feel so permanent, so Tristan and I left that up to someone else. We still wanted to believe he'd drive up any minute now. Surely he'd just drive up any minute now. After hours of sharing stories, hugs, and utter disbelief we all went back to our homes until tomorrow when we would reconvene. 

On Tristan and I's ride home, on the backroads of Auburn a giant stork flew in front of our car. Jake is 6'4 and it felt like him in bird form. This bird was SO huge and unmissable for the 2 of us. The next day that very stork was flying around my job. 

I feel him all of the time and there have been so many reminders that he's always with us. Forever it will be my mission to keep his vibe alive. The dead are alive because we are. 

I'll Mourn You On the Weekend

First I lost Jake, my parenting partner, my child's father, and one of my best friends. A few weeks later, Tyler, one of my closest high school friends passes from an illness. 

I'm left here with

8 hours of bereavement pay

The tickets I bought coming to claim me

School's in session

When are you coming back to work?

When can you read my cards?

What are you bringing for Thanksgiving?

Here's my Christmas list

Work

Work

Work

Did you see that movie yet?

Did you watch that show?

Living in the depths of my past decisions

my feelings, 

in the sunken place is where I reside

Oxygen is scarce here

The darkness is easy on my mind, the quiet let's me breathe

The pressure above water weighs more on my heart than the water itself

Sink

I stretch my body and my mouth makes it above the surface

You can hear my words and I can answer your questions, but I remain below

Nothing matters in the sunken place

My fingers aren't even wrinkled up yet